AWK < >

It's less than two weeks before my hubby is shipped off, and I've entered into a new phase I'd like to call the awkward phase.

Phil comes home everyday and we get the evenings together as well as the weekends. Plenty of time to snuggle on the couch watching CSI, go grocery shopping together, take excursions to pumpkin patches, make dinners...in other words, he's still here and we still have time to make memories and use our time together well.

And yet, and I don't know if this is a survival mindset or a quirk, it seems like he's already left. Or that I'm telling myself he's gone and it's now time to hunker down and do the independent thing. He'll come home from work and we talk about our days, eat, and watch TV in near-silence. Then bed. Shouldn't we be making the most of every moment? Snapping pictures, recording videos, taking walks to talk about loose ends?

On the other hand, I've been preparing myself for him to leave for a good 6+ months. In the past two, I've diligently been preparing for his departure. I've called USAA to get insurances switched, power of attorneys, simple wills made. I've saved forms on my computer to fill out if you want a flag-folding ceremony at the funeral. I have contact numbers, names of commanders and FRG info if I need to contact someone. I have purged, sorted, organized and condensed all of our possessions in case I need to move in a hurry. I've done it all (I hope) and now I'm just sitting, looking for others things to prepare and knowing I'm devoid of all control.

I am at the crossroad I've found myself at a million times before: wanting control over everything I possibly can and yet listening to God whispering, "Stop. Breathe. Follow Me."
I know He is in this trial and that though He won't get me out of certain circumstances, He gets me through them. I know that. But I don't understand what goes through my head..."Hey, big guy, so...I know you've got everything under control, but...what if I just did this. Oh and this. And maybe that, too." Only to realize I'm causing more pain to myself than relief, and I get in the way of myself rather than letting God do what He does best...love me.

And to round all of that off, I've retreated inside of myself and have already begun numbing myself to certain things, like the joy I used to have when Phil walked through the door. Obviously I'm still thrilled to see him, but now there's this twinge of sadness as I tell myself that I won't be hearing the key turning in the lock for a long time. I don't want these remaining days together to be mere routine, but I don't want to open myself up so completely that it becomes even harder to say goodbye.

Awkward. Sometimes I feel awkward around Phil, or that dinners are awkward as we small talk random things, or interactions with friends are awkward because we'd rather be at home watching TV and not discussing what we're feeling about the deployment. I don't want to tell myself that what I'm feeling right now is right or wrong...there's no need to label it as such...it is what it is.

I will, however, be relieved to start counting down the days to when he comes home rather than the days to when he leaves.