the new routine

Things are getting easier with Phil being gone, and this is sad to me.

The first two months of deployment, I was a wreck. It could have been the whole pregnant thing, but I prefer to think that I was so devastated because the love of my life disappeared for a year. Crying every night, tearing up when "Family Guy" would be on TV -- that was Phil's show -- purposefully scooting over to the other side of the bed to the coldness so I'd feel even more pathetic (I told myself it was cathartic), opening his drawers and smelling his clothes...all of this was a daily routine of mine. Healthy? Of course not. Necessary? Absolutely.

Now I've found my own routine around the apartment, and this is a good thing, mostly. I pick weekly breakfasts (oatmeal for a week, cereal for a week, eggs for a week, bagel weeks are my favorite), I have the cup of fresh morning milk, and the day begins. The nights used to be the hardest, and now I have a routine for that too: dinners (this could mean anything from nuked chicken nuggets or something that requires actual dishes), reading or listening to a sermon online, watching the ol' shows -- sadly, I do have a nightly show to watch...I used to despise people like that -- and then sitting in bed after I'm all flossed and lotioned to journal. Or sometimes stare at Phil's side of the bed, but with a smile and not tears.

I'm really proud of myself - I'm an Army wife with a deployed spouse, and even though we'll never do this again (God willing), I know I could do it if necessary. I read about this happening for military spouses...reaching that point of feeling in control again and powerful...they've figured things out, they know the handyman's number by heart, they can jump start a car (I'm a pro at that), and they know how to fill out the shipping labels that get stamped at least 14 times and smacked on the side of boxes going to APO addresses. Yep, I'm officially in the club.

But that's so sad to me. I don't want to be hardened; I don't want to have my new Saturday morning routine that is everything BUT seasoned eggs, toast, a good 3 cups of coffee and pajamas until noon. It bums me out to have plans every night with friends (this includes the TV) and have so many good laughs, all without Phil. It scares me to think that now I have to remember what Phil and I would do on a Friday night or how we used to do this or that. I have to think about it!

I'm whining, I know. Phil would probably start talking to me in this high-pitched, annoying voice to mock me: "I don't like deployment. Make me eggs. I had to pump my own gas." I deserve it. But it's my blog, dangit.

I must admit, however, that I am enjoying life right now. I feel guilty saying that - shouldn't I be sad and depressed the entire time? God has been so good in giving me things to do, awesome friends, joy in the little things (although NOT enjoying this new nightly heartburn...yay babies....). I truly have no complaints, I mean I shouldn't. I'm so proud of myself, so thankful that God has turned this time into a time of growth and blessing, and so glad that I'm figuring out life with Phil not here.

I just wish he was here.