hope

I have relished this season being home. Although I've had my moments of wishing Phil was here, he's been able to call quite a bit. In fact, one night I thought it would be a fitting night to have a good cry. It was Christmas night and I focused on the empty space in the bed, the single chair I sat in while opening presents, and other similar scenarios. And try as I may, I couldn't conjure up a single tear. So I said, "forget this," and rolled over for a good 12 hours of sleep...my latest pastime.

Surprisingly, New Years Eve turned out to be the event that brought on tears. I was at a gathering of college friends, feeling like I was 40 compared to everyone, and the countdown began. So holding my dixie cup of refreshing water, I joined in the countdown and got my share of hugs and kisses from friends. Then out of left field, BAM the tears flowed down. I commend people for the comfort they offered, but it was just one of those go sit on the toilet seat and cry for a few minutes moments. I would have given anything for Phil to have called at that moment to hear his voice and the amazing ability he has to calm me down with the phrase, "Hey babe" in that delicious voice. But unfortunately, my life isn't a ABC Family TV movie (maybe that's a fortunate thing) so I had to wipe myself up and go join the party again with my fake face on.

And yet, here I am, two months into this deployment and I'm finally feeling hope well up. I'm getting some vacations lined up for each month, it's officially the year he'll come home, and I get to find out if our baby is Ethan or Esther on January 21! Time does keep going, which sometimes is torturous and other times is the biggest comfort. Regardless of how I feel or what I do, time will keep ticking and this year does have an end. What a joyous end that will be too...this time next year...beautiful.

God is so good...everyday I'm constantly amazed at his goodness to me despite my lack of faith and my self-centeredness. I'm learning that anxiety, fear, and worry are all forms of unbelief. God's not up there, fiddling around trying to get 2010 figured out, like he missed a deadline. It's all taken care of and he's got a plan for us that is better than we can ever attempt to create. So I'm resting. I'm not even thinking about the future. I'm thinking about how I'd like to knit my sock after this, eat some chips and salsa and get some stretchy pants on.