the tipping point

Well, I finally did it, and I'm wondering if doing it was the right thing to do, but it's done so what else can I do concerning it?

There's an intro for ya.

I hung out with my brother and sister-in-law the other night and on the half hour drive home on I-75, I was playing out some conversations in my head. This is often fun for me to do from time to time, and if you've never done it, a) you're clearly not psychologically sound like me and b) you should really try it. The conversation du jour (in my head) was Phil calling me from Afghanistan with news:

"Hey. I went to the enlistment office and well, I re-enlisted today. I got M6 school and I'm going to Texas when I get back. What do you think?"

Now normally at this point, the conversation would continue in my head, followed with movie-esque actions...me crouching down on the couch, holding my head, rocking back and forth, etc. But this conversation entered into the real world when all of a sudden I burst out crying in my mom's car barreling south on the interstate.

This, my friend(s), was the tipping point for me. For months when Phil and I would discuss re-enlisting, I would say, "Whatever God calls you to do, babe, we can do it. Even if that means signing up again, He'll take care of us and I'm okay with whatever you decide." This was true, mostly, and I believed it at the time.

And then? Then I got pregnant and saw this picture in an email I got on Veterans' Day.
In the car driving at midnight and crying over a fake conversation, I decided that I was not okay with him re-enlisting and I no longer wanted the life of an Army wife or a military family.

For months I was so proud that I was Army...if I wanted, I could have gotten one of those Army Wife stickers for my car. We were doing what so many people have done through the ages and continue to do this day. I loved my husband's job and how he excelled, and I loved that we were tough...made of steel...didn't get phased by people's "Ohhh, I'm so sorry," when they heard of our deployment. I'm so amazed by career military families who have children and multiple deployments, PCSes, TDYs, month-long trainings throughout the year, and I'm so proud I get to be apart of this culture.

And yet, I'm done. It's Phil's career, yes, but it's our marriage and we are bringing a child into this. I can't handle the idea of him watching our child(ren) grow up on a computer screen from thousands of miles away. I used to be afraid of the unknown of what was out there in the civilian world if we ever got out and in fear decided that staying in would be safer. Now I'm more afraid of what will happen to us if we stay in and that whatever challenges the outside world brings us I'll take it, as long as I have Phil by my side.

There are unknowns everywhere, and my biggest goal is to follow Christ and bring Him glory. If that means staying in the Army, then I'll stay and be faithful to my husband's calling (with a fight, of course). Yet if I'm listening correctly, I feel a huge pull on my heart to encourage Phil towards a different life, and I'd be lying to tell Phil that I was okay with whatever he decided.

He called and I told him that I wanted out and that I was praying God would unite our hearts so that we could be on the same page. I didn't give ultimatums...I told him I'd love him always no matter what and I'd follow him wherever he led (he laughed). I did, however, give him one request...

Don't make a decision until you hold your baby for the first time.