Christmas is over.
I'm filling out the beginning pages of my first baby book.
Discovery: sour cream makes every baked good taste better.
Pregnancy really does give a person some crazy mood swings.
Signing, "Love, Allison & Phil" on presents feels like a lie.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
insecurities
Sometimes I think that I'm still in 8th grade. Where do I fit in all this? Am I good at things? Do people like me?
But God...
He answers all of those questions. I wish I could turn up the volume on Him sometimes.
But God...
He answers all of those questions. I wish I could turn up the volume on Him sometimes.
Monday, December 14, 2009
lazyboy blues
As much as I would rather not admit it, I am homesick.
I was ready to prove my worth this year as a proud Army wife by staying out here, keeping busy, and growing into this independent, strong, persevering woman. And yet my quiet days now consist of watching HGTV, playing every version I can find of Solitaire on my computer, eating pasta and getting excited about how many days it has been since I haven't showered.
I understand all the counterpoints...I got pregnant, things are busy with the holidays, money has been tight and I'm usually somewhere on the exhausted spectrum. So I'm out doing things, yes, but when I come home I don't want to read Charles Dickens and make nutritious time-consuming meals while working on a project for a class I could be enrolled in.
I would much rather go home to Michigan and let other people do those things so I can live through them. Sigh.
I'm not disappointed with myself...well, not always...and I get all the reasons for why things are this way right now. But there's still a part of me that feels sad by my lack of gusto. And I am sad that I long for Michigan so much when I have a great life here: good friends, good church, good opportunities with youth ministry starting and my volunteer work at the AmeriCorps office. So on paper I have a lot to do here.
But Phil's not here. That's the kicker, my friends. It seems that all of my efforts to stay busy and productive are unvalidated because I can't come home and share with him. I barely get to tell him the big stuff as it is, let alone the joy I discovered in making a giant map for youth ministry (that's half true. I made a map for youth ministry but it wasn't filled so much with joy).
My friend brings up the quotation that having a spouse is having a witness of your life. It seems I'm witness-less. Who cares if I sign up for classes and read 3 books a week and make homemade dinners every night? I could do that, or I could lay around all day. It doesn't matter because no one is here to see it.
I know this is unhealthy to think this way, and I know that I live for the glory of Christ so even if I was unmarried and had no friends, I should still live in a way that is pleasing to God. I'm working on that. But I also understand that living here alone right now is not my healthiest choice and I'm more productive when I'm living with people. I have great friends here, yes, but they don't live with me to keep my accountable. In that sense, I know it's right to be in Michigan around people who are going to keep me honest, help me to grow, call me out on things and encourage me even in the middle of the night.
I'm on a slippery slope and I know it. I need a reboost! Michigan won't solve my problems but it might be a better environment for me to center more fully on Christ and His power rather than sitting in my lazyboy here and crying about how I miss home.
Maybe it's a cop-out, maybe I need to buck up a little more, maybe my faith needs to be stronger (well most definitely on that last one); but maybe the mitten that holds my family can give me the extra umph.
I was ready to prove my worth this year as a proud Army wife by staying out here, keeping busy, and growing into this independent, strong, persevering woman. And yet my quiet days now consist of watching HGTV, playing every version I can find of Solitaire on my computer, eating pasta and getting excited about how many days it has been since I haven't showered.
I understand all the counterpoints...I got pregnant, things are busy with the holidays, money has been tight and I'm usually somewhere on the exhausted spectrum. So I'm out doing things, yes, but when I come home I don't want to read Charles Dickens and make nutritious time-consuming meals while working on a project for a class I could be enrolled in.
I would much rather go home to Michigan and let other people do those things so I can live through them. Sigh.
I'm not disappointed with myself...well, not always...and I get all the reasons for why things are this way right now. But there's still a part of me that feels sad by my lack of gusto. And I am sad that I long for Michigan so much when I have a great life here: good friends, good church, good opportunities with youth ministry starting and my volunteer work at the AmeriCorps office. So on paper I have a lot to do here.
But Phil's not here. That's the kicker, my friends. It seems that all of my efforts to stay busy and productive are unvalidated because I can't come home and share with him. I barely get to tell him the big stuff as it is, let alone the joy I discovered in making a giant map for youth ministry (that's half true. I made a map for youth ministry but it wasn't filled so much with joy).
My friend brings up the quotation that having a spouse is having a witness of your life. It seems I'm witness-less. Who cares if I sign up for classes and read 3 books a week and make homemade dinners every night? I could do that, or I could lay around all day. It doesn't matter because no one is here to see it.
I know this is unhealthy to think this way, and I know that I live for the glory of Christ so even if I was unmarried and had no friends, I should still live in a way that is pleasing to God. I'm working on that. But I also understand that living here alone right now is not my healthiest choice and I'm more productive when I'm living with people. I have great friends here, yes, but they don't live with me to keep my accountable. In that sense, I know it's right to be in Michigan around people who are going to keep me honest, help me to grow, call me out on things and encourage me even in the middle of the night.
I'm on a slippery slope and I know it. I need a reboost! Michigan won't solve my problems but it might be a better environment for me to center more fully on Christ and His power rather than sitting in my lazyboy here and crying about how I miss home.
Maybe it's a cop-out, maybe I need to buck up a little more, maybe my faith needs to be stronger (well most definitely on that last one); but maybe the mitten that holds my family can give me the extra umph.
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